Lawak Arab

Conversation between a young Arab and his father:

YA: What is this weird hat that we are wearing ?

Father: It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !

YA: And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?

Father: It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it
protects your body !

YA: And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?

Father: These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !

YA: Tell me, papa...

Father: Yes, my son ?

YA: Why are we living in Kuala Lumpur and still wearing all this shit, with the Malays following us in doing so?

SORAK!!!

Courtesy of St Bull

Lepak pun OK?

Are the French a bunch of lazy slackers?

Youths clash with police during protests in Lyon, 19 October

Reuters/Robert Pratta

By Tony Cross

The French - if they’re not on strike, they’re taking long holidays or having extra days off thanks to the 35-hour week. That’s a widespread view, as can be seen from comments on RFI’s reports of the strikes against President Nicolas Sarkozy’s pension reforms. But do the statistics bear it out?

No-one could deny that France has a combative labour movement, especially when right-wing parties are in power and, as the unions see it, trying to take back gains won by years of struggle.

Dossier: Eurozone in crisis

And international media headlines often give the impression of a country wracked by industrial conflict, which must surely be bringing the economy to its knees.

So is France heading for ruin – a world champion in strikes and lazing around and a world loser in wealth production?

Here’s what the figures show:

Strikes: The world leader in days lost in strikes in 2009 was … Canada. Its score was 2.2 million, according to the UK journal The Economist. Next came South Africa with 1.5 million. France came third with 1.4 million. France comes top of the European league table for the period 2005-2009, according to the European Foundation for the improvement of Living and Working Conditions. But in 2008 its efforts were dwarfed by Denmark, thanks to a strike wave, one of whose demands was a 35-hour working week. The damage to the economy is not as high as might be expected, judging by statistics from 2005 when a three-week strike cut 0.05 of a point from the growth rate, according to the Finance Ministry.

Hours worked: French workers work an average of 1,453 hours a year, well below the OECD group of developed nations' average of just over 1,700 hours a year but above Germany and Norway (1,337), Sweden (1316) and the Netherlands (1309). South Koreans work the longest hours in the OECD at 2,390 per year.

Retirement: French women retire at the same age as women in Italy, South Korea, Hungary, the UK, Greece and Poland but earlier than Turks and Czechs. Men have the lowest retirement age in the OECD. The government's proposals will bring them in line with Czechs and Hungarians and raise the age that retirees can claim the full pension to 67, provided they have paid over 40 years of contributions.

GDP: France’s Gross Domestic Product has doubled in the last 20 years. It was over 2000 billion euros in 2009, according to the IMF and the World Bank. That puts it fifth in the world league table, behind the US, Japan, China and Germany and just ahead of the UK. Over the same period, there has been a 10 per cent shift of the share of GDP from salaries to profits.

Productivity: French workers’ productivity has risen five times since 1960. Although it has fallen slightly over the last two years thanks to the recession, it is expected to double again over the next 20 years. GDP per hour worked is lower than in the US and Ireland but higher than in many countries, including the UK, Germany and Japan.

Debt: France has the sixth highest public deficit in Europe in percentage terms, at 8.2 per cent. The US’s deficit reached 12.5 per cent in 2009. The debt of French households was 89.1 per cent of income in 2006, according to the OECD. In Britain and the United States that ratio stood at 168.5 percent and 139.7 percent respectively.

Unemployment: French unemployment stands at 10 per cent, the average for the eurozone. As in other industrialised countries, the figure has been pushed up by the recession but was already relatively high at 8.2 per cent in 2001. US unemployment stood at 9.6 per cent in June 2010.

Nat's Version of Humpty Dumpty

Cari Kat London

The late 80's were the Rock years. It was huge, globally as well as in our dear own Malaysia. For a very realistic feel of what I'm talking about, check out the local movie "Rock". Depicting exactly as it was in the 80's. Weekend nights were usually spent at the Red Rooster (Medan Tuanku), Kathy's Lounge (TTDI), Hard Rock Cafe (TTDI - before Concorde) and Beer Keller (SS 14). The dress code was, well .. rock. Acid washed jeans, with rock bands patches sewn on them, some torn, t-shirts were mainly of British or American rock bands - almost inevitably black, bandanas were usually an option. I used to have stud bracelets, even once I bought a "rantai motor" belt (confiscated by one of the warden at section 18 Shah Alam .. tiu..) I suppose about 90% of the pub frequenters drank. Me, proud to announce that I'm a teetotaler. The motto was always "there's so many other stuff to drink".

The up & coming bands playing around that time were the likes of Search, Bloodshed, Wings, May, Rahim Maarof & the White Steel, Ella & the Boys, Lefthanded & Rusty Blade. Live gigs were a mark of a true rock band. Most played Maiden, Priest, Sabbath, Ozzy, Van Halen, Whitesnake .. among others. Those bands eventually came up with their own songs & albums. Personally, during those years, I practically memorised all their lyrics.

Alas, study comes 1st. Due to the years I was in Australia, I never had the chance to enjoy their concerts. But I went to a lot of international bands' though .. Anthrax, Stryper, Metallica, Bon Jovi, Poison, Guns & Roses .. among others, which I enjoyed immensely. The best was probably Metallica's. For us students, Friday nights were jamming nights .. we played English as well as Malay numbers. New malay albums were mostly mailed from Malaysia .. in the form of cassette. CDs were only taking off during that time. So, we were never out of touch.

Last night was sublime. After 30 years .. Search came to London. Played at Scala, next to Kings Cross Station. They rocked & they rocked hard. Well worth my £25. Heck, even got myself their Eire & UK Tour t-shirt. Hujan, the starting band was quite fantastic in their own way as well. Brilliant!

Chelsea Chelsea

Walau pun aku menyampah dgn Chelsea, pasal asyik potong Man U je, baju diorang sangat cun (belum beli lagi .. hari tu beli untuk Abang Y .. diri sendiri tak de). Drogba pun tak stop2 score.

So aku pun nak gi tengok lah hari Sabtu ni .. jangan maree. Emm .. Valentine's lunch .. aaa .. next week lah.

Niqab Ban

Came across this article today:

Egypt cleric 'to ban full veils'

The niqab has become increasingly popular among Egypt's Muslim radicals

Egypt's highest Muslim authority has said he will issue a religious edict against the growing trend for full women's veils, known as the niqab.

Sheikh Mohamed Tantawi, dean of al-Azhar university, called full-face veiling a custom that has nothing to do with the Islamic faith.

Although most Muslim women in Egypt wear the Islamic headscarf, increasing numbers are adopting the niqab as well.

The practice is widely associated with more radical trends of Islam.

The niqab question reportedly arose when Sheikh Tantawi was visiting a girls' school in Cairo at the weekend and asked one of the students to remove her niqab.

The Egyptian newspaper al-Masri al-Yom quoted him expressing surprise at the girl's attire and telling her it was merely a tradition, with no connection to religion or the Koran.

After reading the Sheikh's point, I can't help from recalling this photo called "What's the point"

You've Got Mail

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic
schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So,
the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his
wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email
address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting
messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message,
she gasped and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his
mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you
then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

Welcome Ramadan

Ramadan tomorrow.

Don't know esok 1st day camana.
Pagi - driving range.
Petang - Emirates: Arsenal v Portsmouth
Buka 2010.
OK kot.

Terawih & niat posa .. Erry imam terawih, gua imamkan witir.

Welcome Naqeeb

It was 0235 .. baru je tidor around 0100. Rasa mamai ya amat. Mummy kejut .. Skin dah contraction 7 minutes apart. Terkalut kejap. By 0300 sampai St Peter's Hospital. After a while, balik dulu sambung tidor.

0616 Naqeeb was born. Tambah satu nephew .. bengkok la Erry & Skin nak layan.
Congrats!!!

Ni dia budak comel tu.

Balik rumah terus gali lubang bawah pokok plum, nak tanam placenta .. cari tempat redup sikit, so budak ni nanti cool sikit. Tapi tanah tu banyak beno batu .. hopefully beso nanti powero budak ni. Ni placenta lepas mandi .. heart shaped .. macam akar kayu, if turned upside down - macam tree of life.

First Green

Yesterday was my 1st time going on the green. It was at Addington Court in Croydon. Before this it has always been the driving range. My first time hitting the ball was in 1980 very near Ayah Su's place, where Sime UEP had some area cleared for residential property building. Fantastic au naturale driving range. There was this Chinese uncle who was hitting balls when we came to watch on our bikes. He then told us to have a go - and we had a bloody good time blasting the balls away. At that point of time I was thinking "Oh gosh! I'm a natural golfer"

But that was then. Fast forward to the late 90's - many friends took up golf. Many became buaya & sewaktu dengannya. Most times, my association with golf was limited to hitting the balls on driving ranges. Usually with Apen, Nik, Jai etc. And oh boy! Was I bad at it or what. And I thought, "I'm never going to the green. I just couldn't play. I'm just hopeless.".

But yesterday was something else. I knew I could revisit that 1980 thoughts.

Now I need a set & a pair of shoes.

Jua Ikan

Amende la tajuk hari ni .. actually ianya berkenaan "selfish" sebab tu jua ikan bukan jual ikan.

Aku tak de menda nak buat, biasa lah .. masuk FB main Barn Buddy, curi hasil tanaman kawan2 sikit, tolong siram tanah2 yg kering etc. Sambil2 tu termasuk page member kamceng aku, Pak Din. Aku tersangat2 la kamceng ngan dia ni specifically masa aku study kat Adelaide dulu.

So, aku teringat pergi Selama (Perak) one time dulu. Sembang2 ngan ayah dia. Mat Sani namanya, aku panggil Pak Long. Dia ni imam kampung tu, merangkap penghulu. Sihat dan sasa orangnya. Sekarang ni tak tau lah, dah tua kan. Anak2 ramai juga. Memang layan sembang ngan orang tua ni. Banyak buah2 fikiran yg bernas. Infact, one of his advice was what led me to decide to go ahead & marry Ann. Ye lah kan, muda2 masa tu .. cold feet la, takut nak mampus dgn commitment etc.

Ada satu hari tu masa aku lepak2 ngan Pak Din, dia cerita kat aku, one fine day masa dia kecik - dia pergi la dapur & then buat la air (milo kot) satu mug. Tengah bersenang lenang minum Milo, boss panggil. Belum sempat cakap apa, sebijik pelempang dah hinggap kat pipi. Sambil Pak Din tercengang2 Pak Long tanya, "berapa orang duduk dalam rumah ni?" .. Pak Din jawab, "7" (aku rasa lah). "Habis tu buat air satu gelas kenapa? Lain kali nak buat air, buat satu teko."

Sejak hari tu, Pak Din pun menjadi seorang yang sharing, dah tidak lagi selfish. Oleh itu rajin2 lah buat air untuk kawan2/ahli keluarga, i.e. jangan buat untuk sendiri2 aje.

p/s aku memang malas buat air + potong bawang

Sekian, terima kasih.

Pulut Kuning

Ada mamat tu gigih suruh eksplen jugak pasal pulut kuning ni as per here.

So here goes.

Whenever there is a majlis khatam Quran for Malaysian Malays (can't vouch for Brunei, Indonesian, Phillipines, Sri Lankan, Thai, South African, Hawaii .. etc) almost inevitably among the menu would be Pulut Kuning. Now, what has pulut kuning got to do with khatam Quran? I'm pretty certain zaman2 Saidina Hassan & Hussin dulu diorang khatam sure makan shish kebab or something like that. Probably with nasi Bukhara (itu kalau zaman2 Imam Bukhari lah kot). What I mean is, its definitely a Malay tradition.

My suspicion is, khatam Quran being a highlight in the life of a kid, he or she is supposed to be treated like a royal. Hence the colour yellow in the pulut. Kalau putih je, tak de kelas la kan? Makan dengan kelapa parut & ikan masin - peasant food gitu (sedap siot!)

Another possible explanation was given by Mar a long time ago.
Kata dia: Masa khatam orang baca Lamyakunillazi (Surah 98 i.e. Al-Bayyinah [Bukti]). Orang Kelantan sebut Lamyakuning .. hence the Pulut Kuning!!

Wallahua'lam

p/s aku memang suka gila pulut kuning ni. Tak caya tanya Mar. Paling kokak makan dgn telur dadar potong jalur2.

Ex-squeeze Me

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..

He gives the young boy three coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up two of the coins, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and Coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with The Inland Revenue.'

Morning in SJ

Still groggy .. It's 0940 in Subang Jaya while Ann & the gang sleep
blissfully (hopefully) at 0240 in Egham.

Despite late night supper with Erry - maggi goreng + sup kambing +
tosai, the tummy growls.

Terima lah, murtabak RM10.

London Jam

RMT (the National Union of Rail, Maritime and Transport Workers) decided to go ahead with the strike. Thanks to Bob Crow, the General Secretary. Amazing! Tube drivers earn between 38,000 & 60,000 p.a. and yet they want an inflation busting increment of 5%. All this when people like us don't know whether we're gonna keep our job or not next week.

Reached Waterloo around 0830. No tube was working except Northern Line. Screw the tubes. Buses were full too. Taxis make truck loads of money today. Me, I decided to give my pedometer something to do. Equipped with my walking shoes & Norah Jones, I strolled to work today - from Waterloo along the south bank, crossed the Millenium Bridge (for the first time, can you believe it!) and admired St Paul's Cathedral. Got in 45 minutes & 6,000 steps later.

Now, I have to do that again tomorrow. Pray it won't rain. FU Bob Crow.

Man Up

Arrrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!
Frust nyaaaaa !!!

Two Plastic Bags

Got Basic Material conference at Claridge's today. Am killing time at Debenham. Bad news all round. Something to cheer all of us up.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large  plastic garbage bags behind her.  One of the bags was riped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. 

Noticing  this, a  policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag".

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find  them. Thanks for telling me officer." 

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.  Where did you get all that money?  You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next  to the football stadium parking lot.  On game days, a lot of fans come and pee  through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.  It used to  really tick me off.  Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not  make the best of it?  So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy!  Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

ASB via m2u

 

Just a lil bit of promo from the ASNB ....as of today, u can deposit your excess cash into investment in ASB via maybank2u.

Just go under investment, and you'll see the icon "purchase of ASNB Unit Trust". But bear in mind, a small charge of RM0.50 applies. Also not to mention, kena provide TAC.

Boleh la Mr Dentease melabur. Duit nasi lemak surau Birmingham University tu banyak wooo! 

Mr Kenit in Amsterdam .. walau jauh beribu batu, tapi masih bumiputera lagi kan? He hee.

Tazkirah Jumaat

Before you head for Friday the 13th prayer. A short tazkirah.

OPINION EUROPE: MARCH 8, 2009, 8:21 P.M. ET

Islam Needs to Prove It's a Religion of Peace

Muslims can start with a new Quranic scholarship that rejects radicalism.

By TAWFIK HAMID | From the Wall Street Journal Europe.

The film "Fitna" by Dutch parliament member Geert Wilders has created an uproar around the world as it linked violence committed by Islamists to Islam.

Many commentators and politicians -- including the British government, which denied him entry to the country last month -- reflexively accused Mr. Wilders of inciting hatred. The question, however, is whether the blame is with Mr. Wilders, who simply exposed Islamic radicalism, or with those who promote and engage in this religious extremism. In other words, shall we fault Mr. Wilders for showing photos of the hanging of homosexuals, or shall we fault those who actually promote and practice this crime?

There is a certain schizophrenia among many Muslims who seem to believe that it is acceptable to teach hatred and violence in the name of their religion, while at the same time expecting the world to respect Islam as "a religion of peace, love and harmony."

Scholars in the most prestigious Islamic institutes and universities continue to teach things like Jews are "pigs and monkeys," that women and men must be stoned to death for adultery, or that Muslims must fight the world to spread their religion. Isn't, then, Mr. Wilders's criticism appropriate? Instead of blaming him, we must blame the leading Islamic scholars for having failed to produce an authoritative book on Islamic jurisprudence that is accepted in the Islamic world and unambiguously rejects these violent teachings.

While many religious texts preach violence, the interpretation, modern usage and implementation of these teachings make all the difference. For example, the stoning of women exists in both the Old Testament and in the Islamic tradition, or "Sunna" -- the recorded deeds and manners of the prophet Muhammad. The difference, though, is that leading Jewish scholars agreed to discontinue these practices centuries ago while Muslim scholars have yet to do so. Hence we do not see the stoning of women practiced or promoted in Israel, the "Jewish" state, but we see it practiced and promoted in Iran and Saudi Arabia, the "Islamic" states!

When the British government banned Geert Wilders from entering the country to present his film in the House of Lords, it made two egregious errors. The first was to suppress free speech, a canon of the civilized Western world. The second mistake was to blame the messenger -- punishing, so to speak, the witness who exposed the crime instead of punishing the criminal. Mr. Wilders did not produce the content of the violent Islamic message he showed in his film -- the Islamic world did that. Until the Islamic clerical establishment takes concrete steps to reject violence in the name of their religion, Mr. Wilders criticism is not only permissible as "controversial" free speech but justified.

So, Islamic scholars and clerics, it is up to you to produce a Shariah book that will be accepted in the Islamic world and that teaches that Jews are not pigs and monkeys, and that declaring war to spread Islam is unacceptable, and killing apostates is a crime. Such a book would prove that Islam is a religion of peace.

Mr. Hamid, a former member of an Islamist terrorist group, is an Islamic reformer and senior fellow at the Potomac Institute for Policy Studies.

Licensed at Last

Fuh! Finally! After 1 week of penantian yg mendebarkan. Especially with the passports with DVLA and knowing we need them by 3 April. Siap pergi Wimbledon lagi, konon nya nak buat premium checking (DVLA check pas tu tak yah hantar passport). Kutu tu stone je .. "tak boleh bang, passport kena hantar jugak. Pasal lesen HK tapi passport Mesia". Pegi Friday, 27th Feb tapi Mat tu kata "kitorang kumpul dulu, Isnin baru hantar". So aku budget 5 working days, ambik sunnah lesen Mazza. Lepas tu baru aku dibenarkan cemas. Tunggu jugak, kot2 ada any mamat DVLA nak call tanya soalan2 cepumas like "kau pass lesen ni kat mana?", "apasal passport kau tak de pun travel ke Hong Kong tapi lesen kau dated February?" etc.

Alhamdulillah. Aku yang cemas, Ann rilek je. Kitorang siap prepare story mory kot2 ada diorang call. Macam nak commit the perfect murder plak.

Nah .. ini dia lesen aku. Mata pandang ke lain, suit terpeleot coz amik gambar kat booth at Egham station (pelik tul, muka aku dah masuk dalam oval, mata dah dalam slot - pas tu keluar gambar rambut terkeluar frame atas .. so kena lah adjust agak2 sendiri). 3 kali shot allowed .. ini yg terbaik. Boh je lah.

Sekarang aku tak payah lagi nak budget kot2 ada polis lepak kat Runnymede roundabout ke, exit Heathrow ke M4 ke. Aku rasa bebas! Yiiihaaa!